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"Often a colleague will call and ask me to cover
a shift for them and my immediate response is 'Yes,'
" Graham said. "As soon as I get off the phone,
I realize that I've already made plans with my daughter
or my husband, and that my need to please has put me
in a no-win situation."
She admits that her tendency to overextend herself
can be traced to her desire to be seen by others as
a team player.
For nurses like Graham, Carter recommends adopting
a commitment to honesty. "When you're in a people-pleaser
mode, it's easy to say you'll help when you're actually
thinking to yourself that you don't have time to do
this," Carter said. "People pleasers need
to give up the hero complex and realize they can't be
everything to everyone."
According to Carter, people who feel compelled to help
others often live a life in which fear guides decision-making.
They worry that if they give the wrong response, others
may reject or think poorly of them. Over time, though,
this cycle leads to anxiety, exhaustion and-sometimes-depression.
"The No.1 factor that causes people pleasers to
change is misery," Carter said.
Carter speaks from firsthand experience when he talks
about setting boundaries. His least favorite question
when he's leaving a public appearance is, "Dr.
Les, do you have a minute?"
His response is one he has perfected over time. He
knows most people have good intentions, but want to
discuss problems that will take far longer than a minute
to solve.
"I hand them my business card and acknowledge
they probably have a lot to share but explain that right
now I'm pressed for time and don't have a minute,"
Carter said. "I invite them to call me at my office
and, of course, they rarely do. Many people are unintentionally
self-absorbed and don't factor in the needs of others
when they make a request."
But striking a healthy balance can take time. Carter
notes that many pleasers have a strong sense of duty
and are driven by guilt. He encourages his patients
to adopt an attitude of freedom rather than duty.
"With freedom you have choices," Carter said.
"I tell people pleasers to reinvent their way of
thinking. Eliminate phrases such as 'have to,' 'must'
or 'got to,' and realize that you have choices."
But saying no and setting boundaries can be a daunting
task for people whose natural inclination is to help
someone in need. Kathy Kilpatrick, MA, a geriatric communication
consultant and president of Communication Connection
in Hudson, Ohio, lectures frequently to health care
providers on the topic of setting effective boundaries.
"It's easier to start with little changes and
examine how you set boundaries," Kilpatrick said.
"If you constantly find yourself being impulsive
and saying yes, tell people you want to take some time
and will call them back with your decision."
For some, saying yes isn't just limited to the workplace.
Many have difficulty setting boundaries in their personal
lives as well.
Graham learned this when a neighbor asked her to baby-sit
several days a week. Without notice, the hours became
longer, the children began bringing homework that needed
to be completed and Graham, who wasn't being compensated
for her time, began to feel her generosity was being
exploited.
"I finally had to tell her the arrangement wasn't
working for me," Graham said. "She didn't
take it well, but I felt good that I had been honest
with her rather than to let an uncomfortable situation
continue."
Letting others know your limitations is an important
step in becoming a reformed people pleaser. Carter prescribes
that his patients use "quiet firmness."
Although the changes may take time, the rewards are
plentiful.
"When we set effective boundaries, we attract
healthier relationships and we're happier with ourselves,"
Kilpatrick said. "It's amazing how the people who
don't have your best interests at heart seem to disappear
after you've established boundaries."
Contact Linda Childers at eastbaypr@aol.com
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