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"I am overwhelmed at times. I like working and I love being with babies, but I miss being at home with my family. I have not seen my grandparents in a month. My house is always a mess. I don't cook very much anymore. I'm not as involved as I used to be. My poor husband can't sleep without me and most of the time I don't get enough sleep. I have trouble driving home because I am so sleepy. I'm still adjusting and I hope I can find a schedule at home we can live with."

A few surprises

What surprised these new nurses once they had a few more months on the job? Again, the issue of confidence was a big one, but they also made observations about the relationships nurses have with each other and the way they feel about their relationships with physicians.

One nurse said that she was surprised that she could do the job. "For so long, we as students and grad nurses work alongside someone and never think it's possible that we can actually do this job on our own," she said. "But, now that I am actually on my own, I know and feel I can do it on my own. That's a great feeling and it seems silly to have ever thought I could never do it."

"I am actually surprised at how well things are going so far," one new grad said. "I didn't know if I was really prepared to be on my own yet. But, things are going well and I am realizing that I was ready to do things myself."

"How the nurses work together as a team and are really there for each other," another nurse said. "I heard all of these horror stories about nurses eating their young and have seen it firsthand as a student. This unit is different and everyone has been very encouraging and helpful."

Many participants expressed the need for more training in how to deal with nurse-physician relationships. Several felt that they just were not respected. "The nurse-physician relationship is not that great; respect, respect, respect."

Two new nurses learned how important the nurse-physician relationship is when advocating for a patient. "Some doctors are downright rude to you," one nurse said. "I have learned that you definitely have to be assertive in order to be a patient advocate."

The other nurse said that she was surprised by how much she learned and the independence she acquired already in her practice as a nurse. "I have even stood up to doctors and questioned orders, something which I never thought I would do because of how new a nurse I was," she said.

'I love it'

"Did you make the right decision to be a nurse?" All of our participants said "Yes." The ups and downs in their first year seemed to strengthen rather than discourage them.

"Even though some days I come home exhausted and discouraged, other days I come home on top of the world and thinking, I am really good at this, and this really makes me happy. When people ask me if I like my job, I always say 'I love it' because I do.

"I love being able to interact with my patients on a daily basis and to get to know them and their families. I love being able to teach my patients and to sound like I know what I'm talking about. I love the fact that it's different every day and you never know what you're going to encounter at the beginning of each shift.

"I also love the flexibility of it. I love that my schedule is different all the time, and that I can make it as steady or as changing as I want. I also love that I can pick up extra shifts and that my doing so is making other people's lives easier. On good days, I really feel like I've made a difference in someone's life, and on not-so-good days, at least I know that I tried!"

Many found that nursing was even more than they had hoped for-more challenging and more rewarding. "Now that I'm actually doing nursing every day, I am so glad I decided to go into this profession. Since I've started my job, I've learned that nursing is so much more than what nursing school made it out to be.

"Nursing as a profession can be challenging, rewarding, frustrating, exhausting, exciting and much more. During nursing school, I don't think I ever understood what being a nurse entailed until now, when I've been able to experience it on a daily basis."

The theme of self-esteem was common in the responses of our participants. One nurse responded simply, "The rewards are more than I expected. The internal values, like self-worth, are even greater."

Contact Michelle Paolucci at michellep@nurseweek.com

Part One: Finding Their Way

Part Two: Into The Fire